P.S. Who Loves Me?

     Today is just one of those days, you know? It's rainy and everyone is posting pictures of themselves with their boyfriends. It sort of makes me sick. So I thought I'd just vent a little today, then talk about a way to deal with it. I should probably take my own advice on this one, too!
     Living in a small town like Blairsville has put a little dent in my dating life. There are a few other gay men here, but none of them interested in me. So, I turned to the Internet. I still cannot find anyone interested in me who is eligible to date. I don't think I'm too terrible looking. All I want is someone to love me. Someone to hold me and let me know I am loved for once. Someone who will look at me and say proudly: "See him? He's mine!"
     And that brings me to my post today. I don't necessarily follow this, but I've been told I should. While having a boyfriend is nice, it's not necessary. With me personally, not being able to find someone who wants to date me makes me feel ugly. Not to mention rather alone. Don't let that get you down. The fact that you and I haven't found anyone yet doesn't mean we look bad. It just means we haven't found someone who knows what they want out of life.
     If being single gets you down occasionally, just remember that you have friends to talk to. And push come to shove, you have me. You readers know you can email me whenever you want and I will respond as soon as possible! I will always be here to talk.
     Au bientot, my dear readers. I leave you with a picture of one of my favorite actors: Jensen Ackles. He plays Dean on Supernatural! It should make anyone smile!

The Apple of the Eye of Adversity

     Hello readers! My high school does this thing once a year called the Ulympics. It's basically a school-wide competition between the four grades. It encompasses academic, disciplinary, and athletic competitions. The grade with the most points in the end gets class of the year. It's not much, just bragging rights. Stop judging!!!
     A friend and I were selected to do the English portion of the academic competition for our grade. May I just say: We may just be Juniors, but we're damn good writers! I was pumped before hand, and writing the essay was so fun! I know, my geek is showing. But literature is amazing!
     So, after the Seniors inevitably won, I was still pretty pumped. A large amount of tea and a kicking pep rally would get anyone's adrenaline flowing! This good mood went spiraling down rather fast. Now, as you may know, I am gay. For some reason, people think this is reason enough to make fun of me.
     I was walking out of the gym, minding my own business, when I passed a group of guys. I was still relatively close to them when I heard: "Yea, let him pass. We don't want  him behind us!"
     Now, first off, I have never seen these guys. Nor do I know any of their friends. But being gay in a small town makes me a gossip subject, so they "knew" me. They all laughed and proceeded to make gay jokes until they arrived at their class. By then, my self-image and pumped mood were going down the drain.
     I would love to know what goes through their heads. What makes them think that making fun of me is worth-while? Are they paid per burn? Compensated for using their very lightly used brains?
     Anyway, I wanted to talk about how people make you feel today. I will be the first to admit I need help at this. And let me be frank about this: I'm not perfect. I need to take my own advice very often. So I'm not preaching. But, honestly, screw what others think of you. You don't go home with them. And if you do, then they aren't really the person you should be going home with. It took me 17 years to realize that about my mother.
     Be happy with yourself, no matter weight, sexuality, style, race, or anything else that makes you a unique and beautiful person.  And also, if the shit people throw at you gets to be too much, talk to someone. I'm going to try to start up a facebook page with information on a chat service for the blog readers. I don't really know where it will lead, but I think it would be nice if the readers, myself, and anyone could talk to people who don't  judge. To have a safe environment to chat. Even chat anonymously. If anyone has any ideas, let me know!
     As always, feel free to contact me, I'll get back as soon as possible. Have a pleasant night readers! Au bientot!

Oh, and here is a picture of me with my two best girlfriends. These girls are so nice!

Cabin Fever

     So... that remedied living situation... it had a relapse. I am now living with my grandparents full-time. This is a little difficult. My "room" is a loft. This loft is so low I cannot even sit up straight without hitting my head. And the cabin itself is 408 square feet. That is not a lot.
     The catalyst to this event was, as usual, my mother. She informed me I could either work at McDonald's (forcibly, I might add) or get my ass out of her house. It's not that I'm opposed to McDonald's or working at all. It's just the fact I had no choice in the matter. And I do not want to work in fast food, I think it's abasing. No offense to anyone who works in the industry. Just my viewpoint.
     As I was preparing to leave, she informed me that I couldn't take any of my clothes, because she bought them with her money. So, as she went out on the front porch on the second story, I went down to my room on the first story. We live in a townhouse, so reverse the scheme of a normal house. I put several shirts, my jeans, toiletries, my tux, and some sentimental items in a bag and dropped them out onto the back porch of the first story. Bite me bitch. I'm clever!
      So, now I blog from a new home. I shall have ample free time now. Feel free to respond and just get to know me! Au bientot, readers!

Don't Stop!!!

     So, in the midst of my slightly stressful housing situation (remedied, if you care to know!), I turned to music for comfort. And here, I want to plug my bands!
     When I'm down, nothing picks me up like the combined awesomeness of R5 and 5SOS. If you haven't heard these bands sing, you need to. Old people will tell you all songs are about sex and drugs these days. I will agree, but it's some damn good music, isn't it? But these two bands don't focus on that. It's more feel good music. And that's why I quite literally owe my life to these bands. When I'm having urges, nothing pulls me up like listening to "She Looks So Perfect" and "Loud."
     In the event that they end up reading this: Ashton, Calum, Luke, and Michael, thank you so much, I love you guys!!! And Riker, Rydel, Ross, Rocky, Ratliff, and Ryland, you guys have helped me smile countless times! Love you too!
     Now, to the main point of this post. Find something that makes you feel good! It will almost always help you. And I've found it's better if said activity doesn't involve other people. Check out these bands, or any other kind of music that can make you smile, or read. Do something to make you feel better. I'm in a good mood today, can you tell?
     My dear readers, au bientot! I know you all are strong, so stay that way!

Home Sour Home

     Tonight, my mother decided to have a family chat with me. Now, you all know I don't have a normal family. This chat wasn't either. It started with insults to my body and then to my emotional habits concerning her.
     Now, with my mother, everything always seems to come back around to her. She's kind of like Narcissus. I told her point blank that she was ruining the progress I had made since leaving the Hospital. And was that a bad idea. Out of my pain, she started talking about how I don't appreciate her and how I am ungrateful and disrespectful.
     I am not ashamed to say this: I scratch. But tonight I was very close to cutting. Damn close to suicide. I know this isn't the happy post I promised with my introduction post, but I feel this does need addressing sometimes. Not only in my life, but for the lives of others.
     I am scared shitless of the idea of being emancipated or moving out. Mainly because I don't want to lose my dog. She is my world, my little girl. The one person who has always been there for me. And also because being out there in the world on your own is ominous.
     Now it is my turn to ask for the help of you readers. Email me or contact me through whatever you want. I need suggestions and help. I don't really know what to say. Au bientot, my friends.

What a "Happy" Mother's Day!

     So, I sincerely hope I am not the only one out there, teenager or otherwise, who doesn't really have much to celebrate on Mother's Day. This post goes out to the teens out there who have mothers who aren't particularly desirable company.
     My mom is one of those people who views the world as sinful and full of people who seek to corrupt her child and ruin the way she wants to parent me.There has GOT to be someone else out there with this problem. And from this comes her twisted views of what God wants her to do in regards to her interactions with other people.
     It was my mother who told me point blank that ( and please remember, this is almost verbatim) I am "...going to hell, and that [she] could never support [me], and that homosexuality made people sick." Later in life she also said I was making the choice to be depressed and suicidal, and that it is my fault that people don't like me.
    My response to her: (Please excuse my language, but this blog IS rather mature in the first place) FUCK YOU!
     And my response to anyone who is also in this situation, or in any situation where your self value is depleted by others: STAY STRONG! A lot of people will tell you not to listen, but I know that, no matter how hard you try, it's kind of hard not to. Since completely blocking them out is extremely difficult, just find someone to talk to. It can be a therapist, but I find it easier to talk to a friend. Just tell them everything that's on your mind, and they don't necessarily have to respond. It just helps to let it out.
     Mothers can cause A LOT of problems. Just ask this guy:

     Or ask Norman Bates. Both Sephiroth and he have a large amount of mother issues!
     As always, I am here to talk to you guys. And if you have friends who you think need someone to talk to, I am here for them too! Readers, I bid you a pleasant Sunday. Au bietnot!

Prom King???

     Well, it's prom night here in Union County. And I'm at home. Blogging. Yeah.
     In lieu of a date or ticket to prom, I've been taking a me day. I didn't realize just how much I needed one. Pushing past the compulsive urge to drink twice my body weight in sweet tea and wine, I have rekindled my passion to write and read poetry and old prose. In doing so, I have decided to officially announce a few of my literary projects I intend on publishing. I'd love some feedback if anyone actually ever reads this.
     First is a novel in which two boys fall in love in high school. I'm aware several people have written on the subject of gay teen love, but how many teenagers have? I hope I can change some people's opinions about GLBTQ youth and adults.
     Second is a novel about a young straight man. His girlfriend breaks up with him and he goes through depression and suicidal thoughts. Not many people focus on the masculine males of society who struggle with these issues, regardless of the fact that straight teenage boys commit suicide more often than girls.
     The third and final prose is going to be about my personal journey through high school. I'm not sure how it's going to be structured yet, but I have been in a mental hospital, so I imagine I could pull from that and some other experiences.
     I may try my hand at some poetry as well. Who knows?! May even try to write a play or script!
     So, I'm going to curl up on my pull out couch for the night with the Big Bang Theory and possibly some e.e. cummings. If anyone should need to talk about anything, as always, email me at my blogging and social email:
                                   steamandfirepublish@gmail.com
I'll respond as soon as I can. Stay strong readers. If there are any! Au bientot!


P.S. Found this, it is fantabulistic! Thank you Teen Wolf and Dylan O'Brien!

Yoo-hoo! Big Blogging Blowout!

     So, I am attempting to start another blog, possibly with other people! I'm Zach, a gay teenager in Georgia looking to express his feelings and creativity. Hopefully in a way that will make you laugh and/or be thoughtful about life!
     If you're here from my tumblr, I will post stories like tumblr posts, quite a few of them involving men. If tumblr offends you... STOP HERE!
     Also: if you're reading this and are suicidal or have depression or anything of the sort, I know exactly how you feel. If you need someone to talk to, DO NOT hesitate to email me at steamandfirepublish@gmail.com . I will respond ASAP, and I never judge. Be expecting my first actual post soon! Au bientot!!!